April 13 -

Who would have thought that a mere date on a Jury Summons could inflict so much... pain.  To be truthful, yes, it is pain.  Since Saturday night, I've been calling it sadness, despair, depression, regret, all sorts of emotions, but it boils down to one, really.   Pain.  Why this date hurts more than others, I'm not really sure I know. 

There's Jan. 29, 1990 - the day we first met... and
Sept. 21, 1991 - the day we joined in what I thought would be the rest of our lives - together....  and
The first week of Aug. 1994 when I probably should have heeded my then 12 year old son's suggestion to "change the locks, mom" - because he admitted to having had an affair and that there was a bouncing baby boy as a result ... and 
March 1995 with "I was so scared you were going to die on the table" when I had surgery in the midst of Child Support court dates and "I'll pay the money, but don't want to see him because of the reminder".
First of June 1999 - panic attacks, and moving furniture to an apartment because "I need to live alone to learn how to deal with the guilt."
Christmas 1999 - finding paperwork showing he was seeing his son on Sundays while I'd been working a 2nd job on Sat and Sun for over a year.
Wednesday, week before Thanksgiving 2000..  "I know you're not happy...."
Friday, Dec 1, 2000 - he moved his furniture to an apartment with "Friends" while I worked, then helped me move to a new apartment.
Weekend, March 2001 - Waiver signed, hear him say:  "Well, you're free to get laid."  I blow up, scaring him, part of my brain revels in the fact that he's back his bulk up to the door, half scared of what I might do. Which brings us to....
Friday, Good Friday, April 13, 2001.  He comes by the apartment, tells me the divorce is final.

THEN, out of the blue, there's May 14, 2004 - "hey",  "who is this", "name",  "who??",  "name",  "OH!  how'd you get my cell number?",  "lies",  then, "please come visit me", "where's your wife", "visiting family"... followed by August 2004 - "she left me. we filed for divorce." (almost in tears)
September 2004 - "well, the divorce is final.  She's the only one I truly loved like no other." (crying)
October 2004 - "Please talk to her."
December 2004 - his father tells me they've remarried
2005 - find out they've bought a house
June 2005 - one of my best friends (ironically mother of his affaired son) passes away ON Father's Day.
Summer 2005 - friend's sister calls - "will you go to court and tell them what a horrible father he was?" - he gets custody -- no, i didn't go to court or talk to attorneys
2006 - sister calls again - they've had a child, also "will you go to court and tell them about the terrible state the house was in - he's wanting money" -- no, i didn't go to court or talk to attorneys
2007 - drive by and see that the sister is now living in said house -- wonder if anyone on God's green earth knows how to tell me the truth.
2010 - ex sisters in law, Robin, then Shannon, find me on Facebook.  Wow, I missed them. Shannon and I spend three hours on phone one evening.  Their mom has lung cancer.  Talked to Jean for a while one afternoon. 
Not sure why I'm so "inspirational" to the girls, though. 
I'm the one still living alone,
scared to let down my guard and trust someone again,
scared of unschackling my heart,
scared of giving in and losing again.
scared of sharing my life.. no.. of sharing ME,
scared of giving up my "freedom"....
Scared!

Ten years later, it shouldn't hurt this much.  Weird thing is... I can't seem to be able to produce tears.  hmmm