April 13 -

Who would have thought that a mere date on a Jury Summons could inflict so much... pain.  To be truthful, yes, it is pain.  Since Saturday night, I've been calling it sadness, despair, depression, regret, all sorts of emotions, but it boils down to one, really.   Pain.  Why this date hurts more than others, I'm not really sure I know. 

There's Jan. 29, 1990 - the day we first met... and
Sept. 21, 1991 - the day we joined in what I thought would be the rest of our lives - together....  and
The first week of Aug. 1994 when I probably should have heeded my then 12 year old son's suggestion to "change the locks, mom" - because he admitted to having had an affair and that there was a bouncing baby boy as a result ... and 
March 1995 with "I was so scared you were going to die on the table" when I had surgery in the midst of Child Support court dates and "I'll pay the money, but don't want to see him because of the reminder".
First of June 1999 - panic attacks, and moving furniture to an apartment because "I need to live alone to learn how to deal with the guilt."
Christmas 1999 - finding paperwork showing he was seeing his son on Sundays while I'd been working a 2nd job on Sat and Sun for over a year.
Wednesday, week before Thanksgiving 2000..  "I know you're not happy...."
Friday, Dec 1, 2000 - he moved his furniture to an apartment with "Friends" while I worked, then helped me move to a new apartment.
Weekend, March 2001 - Waiver signed, hear him say:  "Well, you're free to get laid."  I blow up, scaring him, part of my brain revels in the fact that he's back his bulk up to the door, half scared of what I might do. Which brings us to....
Friday, Good Friday, April 13, 2001.  He comes by the apartment, tells me the divorce is final.

THEN, out of the blue, there's May 14, 2004 - "hey",  "who is this", "name",  "who??",  "name",  "OH!  how'd you get my cell number?",  "lies",  then, "please come visit me", "where's your wife", "visiting family"... followed by August 2004 - "she left me. we filed for divorce." (almost in tears)
September 2004 - "well, the divorce is final.  She's the only one I truly loved like no other." (crying)
October 2004 - "Please talk to her."
December 2004 - his father tells me they've remarried
2005 - find out they've bought a house
June 2005 - one of my best friends (ironically mother of his affaired son) passes away ON Father's Day.
Summer 2005 - friend's sister calls - "will you go to court and tell them what a horrible father he was?" - he gets custody -- no, i didn't go to court or talk to attorneys
2006 - sister calls again - they've had a child, also "will you go to court and tell them about the terrible state the house was in - he's wanting money" -- no, i didn't go to court or talk to attorneys
2007 - drive by and see that the sister is now living in said house -- wonder if anyone on God's green earth knows how to tell me the truth.
2010 - ex sisters in law, Robin, then Shannon, find me on Facebook.  Wow, I missed them. Shannon and I spend three hours on phone one evening.  Their mom has lung cancer.  Talked to Jean for a while one afternoon. 
Not sure why I'm so "inspirational" to the girls, though. 
I'm the one still living alone,
scared to let down my guard and trust someone again,
scared of unschackling my heart,
scared of giving in and losing again.
scared of sharing my life.. no.. of sharing ME,
scared of giving up my "freedom"....
Scared!

Ten years later, it shouldn't hurt this much.  Weird thing is... I can't seem to be able to produce tears.  hmmm

Where to start...

I have a whole bunch of stuff running through my head.  This blog was supposed to be about my diet...errr, my new approach to health, but I think it's going to be a conglomeration of many things.  Why?  Because there are some things in life (and the people around me) that just confuse the heck outta me.  So, please excuse the seemingly randomness of the following text.  It's scary to be me sometimes.  lol

Let's start with Sunday night's decision.  I will walk every day during lunch, whether or not someone goes with me.  (As of today, I will bring my iPod regardless, as the person I was walking with needed to leave halfway through our alotted 30 minutes.)  This decision came after a week of letting my mind play tricks on me.  Monday - 02/28/11, I did 35 or so minutes of Cardio.  Tuesday and Wednesday nights, Sean started the Spring season of Softball.  Double headers.  Tuesday's games were at 7:00 and 9:00.  Originally I had planned on walking between games, but it was freaking cold out there.  Plus, Sean went to the parking lot to chill, and as I don't see him all that often away from softball, I opted to spend time with him, and it gives him a chance to talk to me in person rather than text, email or phone.  Wednesday, his games were at 7:00 and 8:00, and again I froze my hiney.  Now, these games mess with my eating schedule, too.  So part of Sunday's decision was to have an omelette when I get home from work, thereby feeding the dogs as well. 

Thursday, I stressed about Ginger's teeth cleaning set for Friday morning.  She was to have no food or drink after 6:00 p.m.  WTH???  Her last food intake was around 7:15, and her last water was around 8:30 or so.  She came through with flying colors, although it cost me $150+ more than expected.  (The shots they both got on Feb 19 came to $200 more than planned.)  So, I was stressing about the lost $350, and half freaking that I was now, yet again, on a forced diet.  I don't really mind the diet, but I DO mind not having the "hidden" charges explained to me ahead of time.  Which reminds me, I still do NOT have their heart worm meds - about $125 worth.  Also, Friday a.m., I took Max with us.  BIG mistake.  I got bitten, sort of, on the leg, pants leg, shirt hem, and knocked into, brusing my elbow on the car, and I THINK it's a rope burn on the out/back side of my right knee.  Almost a week later, and it's still swollen, and still bleeds a drop or two each day.

Saturday, I spend in bed... reading... til 6:00 when I finally decided to get up and shower.  I did get out of bed to walk the dogs a few times, make breakfast and lunch.

New Year, New Goals

Well, same goals really. I lost 33 pounds in 2010! BUT, then came Christmas where I was still doing rather well, except that the Claims department ALWAYS had goodies, and well, my will power just went down the tubes. I gained back 8 pounds. *sighs* I can't blame it all on Claims, I had a sinus infection, twice that robbed me of most of my will to move. Early last week, I did get 3 days of workouts in, but then my head hurt so bad I actually wanted to cry. Came close a few times. Finally called the Doc on Friday, he called in a Z-pack, and I forced myself to work out for 20 minutes on Monday, and about 45 last night.

So, now that the last sinus infection... HOPEfully last one... is almost gone, I feel like exercising again. I've lost 4 of the 8 pounds! Thank God!

In responding to an email I passed around from Baskin Robbins this morning, I discovered (remembered) a recipe for Salmon Steak. So, this weekend, I believe I'll get some to alternate with the chicken I have every night. Salmon steak, pan grilled with some water, a little garlic and onion powders (NOT salt), 3 to 4 minutes on each side, with a salad.

My routine for the work week:
Breakfast: Whole wheat or honey wheat bagel with some Peanut Butter
Morning snack: handful of Animal Crackers
Lunch: Oatmeal with raisins, blueberries and raspberries
Afternoon snack: handful of Dark Choco. covered Almonds, or just a handful of raw, plain almonds
Dinner: Chicken thigh nuked in water with garlic powder and paprika, salad with lettuce, tomato, avocado and light sprinkling of Parmesan cheese
Dessert: Banana with some mini semi-sweet chocolate chips

LOTS of water -- over and above the recommended 8 glasses. Recent studies show you should have half what you weigh in ounces. Basically, if you weigh 200 pounds, you should drink 100 ounces of water a day. As of this morning, I'm 188.4, but I'm still trying to drink 100 ounces. It helps a body in so many ways.

Well, that's it for now.

*hugs*

Nuvita's first phase ended.

Our Nuvita's Live Younger 12-week session ended a few weeks ago. Since then, I was asked to speak at a breakfast about my experience. Yes, I was nervous, but I DO believe in the system. One of the advantages is that if you keep at 90% or higher each week, you get 6 months of Heart Monitor and computer program free. If you are below 90%, it's $15 a month. Still not bad.

Another good point of the program was the last two weeks Zone adjustment. It came at a really good time for me as I was getting "bored" with the old stuff. I needed something to change because, once again, I'd hit a plateau at 28-29 pounds lost. Frustrating. Anyway, Nuvita gave us the option to go to 3 Zones to work in tandem with our interval training. My Zone are 18 minutes in Zone 1 (heart rate of 93 to 116), 84 minutes in Zone 2 (heart rate of 117 to 144) and 18 minutes in Zone 3 (heart rate of 145 to 169).

I LOVE it! I watch House on Monday nights and step/run in place/do twists during the show, and still using the balance board from the Wii, go FASTER during the commercials. BOY!! Lemme tell ya, sweat poring from my brow (and any other place on my body), gulping down the water when the show starts again. 10 minutes in Zone 3 the first night. YES! I've lost 3 more pounds since starting the Zone 3 monster challenge.

This past Saturday, I decided to take the dogs with me outside the gates of the complex, and walk along McDermott to Custer. We got a little more than 1/2 a mile before turning back. It was around 1 p.m. Sunday we went a couple of blocks further, around 3:00, and lots of traffic, but that was fine. Monday, we went around 6:30 and made it a couple blocks shy of Custer - almost a full mile before turning back. Max decided he was tired, and kept jumping to bite at the leash handle. Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep pace with a 40+ pounds anxious Schnauzer nipping at your heels, your butt, your hand? Ginger was a trooper - scaring me when it appeared she was quite content to try to race traffic to the other side of the 3-lanes each way street. lol Gotta love 'em. :) Anyway, 25 minutes to walk almost 2 miles. I'm pleased.

Last night it was raining, hard. Even the dogs didn't want to go out. Well, they did, we leashed up, jacketed up, opened the door, walked under the carports to the grass, got their little faces wet and came back inside. Thank God for the puppy pad invention. : Soooo, watching an NCIS rerun from last year, I use the balance board, stepping, and bouncing, and when all is said and done, I had 21 minutes in Zone 3. YES! Didn't feel like it. Only half of my Zone 2, and all of my Zone 1. SHould be able to get my Zone 2 met this evening. One more Wednesday of softball, then off until March. I know I don't need to work out 7 days a week, but I crave the sweat, the burn, the energy, and the knowledge that I'm doing my body good; so I'll most likely get at least 5 days in each week.

Once my cardio is met, I believe I'll go back to the Wii, and play tennis, batting practice, and some of the Yoga moves to stretch and strengthen my muscles.

Life is good!

OMG... Stairs!!

Holy crap!! Yes, it's that bad. :P Nuvita Wellness started Monday (intro week is over). I think "I will start going down the stairs from our 16th floor to the first floor daily. Maybe work up to going UP the stairs." Sounds like a good idea, right? It IS a good idea. Unless.....

I almost fly down the stairs, arms pumping, slowing around the corners, doing well. I get to the first floor thinking "this was pretty easy". I head up the elevator to the 16th floor and think "yes! I can do this again!" heh heh I start down, albeit not quite as fast and energetically as the first run, but at a good pace. I get down to the 7th floor and think "oooh, maybe this was a mistake. Maybe I should have done a couple days at just one set." BUT, being a bit on the stubborn side, I refuse to take the elevator down to 1 (our elevators go 1-8 and 9-16). So, much slower, I make it down to the first floor. My legs are just a tiny bit wobbly, but I figure if I keep walking it'll work out the kinks that I know are going to happen. I get to our receptionist desk and tell Jeanie about it. We laugh together. I wobble back to my desk. I get up frequently because I'm being smart and drinking water when I want to reach for something to stuff in my face.

End of the work day. Do I take the stairs to the 2nd level in the parking garage? Heck yeah! I'm not a wimp! Ok, so maybe I should have been a little bit of a wuss, but working the muscles will make them not as sore later, right? I get home, and remember I live above my apartment garage on the 2nd floor.... with 2 very-happy-Mommy's-home!! dogs. Ok, it's a bit rough going up the stairs. I change, then it's time to go back down the 16 steps to take the dogs out. *GASP* Already???? What happened to the 2nd day pain plan?? Ok, ok. Hands on the walls for support. I can do this. I HAVE to do this. TWICE! In between, silly me, I work out on the Wii - 50 minutes worth. But it's all for health, right?

Yay! Bedtime.

Not yay, wake up time. Roll over, feet on the floor, stand up. I said STAND UP! ok, maybe not quite that bad. We can walk, it's good. Oh NOOO, stairs. Dogs. Responsibility. *sighs* We are Woman, hear me roar!!! meow. Ok, so it's a 1-day pain rule. No more wobbling, we've raised to Hobbling. NOT pretty, but at least it's inside, and walking is ...well, it's do-able. Shower, dress, drive to work.

Park in normal spot, walk across to the elevator/stairs. "Come ON, Deb! It's only one flight!" Thankfully there are no other people around. Elevator to my desk. Laugh with people about my stupidity. Weirdly enough, I WANT to do the stairs again. BUT, I opt to go to the parking garage and walk around for 15 minutes. Inclines, declines not so nice, straightaways are fine...mostly. Homeward bound. Stairs, three times, no choice, work out. Bed. Me and pain, best buddies.

Day 2 - today: Wake up, roll over, stand up, squeeking sounds emit from my throat. Dogs, must take out dogs. We go to the side of the building not the fence. They don't care, they get to sniff, do their stuff, back inside. Slightly easier going UPstairs than down. Who'da thought? Shower, dress, work. I want to curl up in the fetal position and sleep. Don't want to die, that would be giving in. ROFL. Why yes, I DO have to, want to, laugh about this.

Meanwhile, I keep wondering: moist heat or Advil? I opt for neither. why? I have no freaking clue. Masochistic much? Hmmm, maybe just a little.

To ADD, because that bit of masochism isn't enough, I bought one of those punching balls. You know the kind you had as a kid...you blow it up, you punch it with the attached rubber band? I asked our Nuvita coach about this. Could I use it as a modified Hip Abductor - put it between the thighs or knees and squeeze. She LOVED the idea. Same between forearms to be used like the Butterfly machine. Ahhhh, that's why my inner shoulders are a bit tender.

See, I keep thinking "If I USE these muscles, stretch them, they won't hurt as bad." Maybe, maybe not. LOL

Let's just pray that Day 2 is the worst in the way of P A I N. :)

Nuvita Wellness Challenge rant

We're on "Intro week" with the Nuvita Challenge. We've got our heart monitors, etc. I finally got it all worked out on the home computer to accept the transfer. I'm excited.

First night (Tuesday), I work out 67 minutes. Turns out only 5 minutes of that was in my "zone". The Zone that Nuvita set up for me. Ok, I think, I'll try harder on Wednesday (before going to Sean's softball game at 8:00). I work out 68 minutes; sweating like crazy, jazzed with energy, excited, muscles tight, oh yeah!! Do the transfer, and 9...yes NINE.. minutes in the "Zone". So this morning I email our coach, asking to have my rate lowered by 10 points, give me something to work toward. I get an email back from her "why do you want to lower it? Is it too hard?" I can hear her fit, skinny voice chiding me. Hmmmm. Help me out here, please. Aren't they supposed to be working WITH us? Apparently, the Assessment done last month is how they came to the range they set for us. Ok. But please, give me something easy to reach first, then I'll set higher goals.

07/28/10 NOTE: I explained in a later email to Michelle (our coach) that I'm on Blood Pressure meds, etc., and she agreed to lower my Heart Rate Zone, with the option to raise it later.

I'm not a whiny baby. I swear I'm not. I mean, truly, I've worked hard to lose this 25 pounds. I want to lose at least 25 more. All the stuff you hear in your teens and 20s, even your 30s, is so true. Although at the time, you pfftt at it. Eat your veggies, drink your water, exercise. Well, I'm paying for it now. 9 1/2 months pregnant, going into labor at 23, BP is 120/76. Twelve short years later, I have high blood pressure. I blame the 2nd husband... and genetics. Admittedly, I let myself go the past few years, well, since getting laid off from said 23-year job in June of 2004. Then, my 3 months temp-to-perm job took 18 months to go permanent, and well, stress makes us eat and totally forget moderation, and all that.

But, turning 51 last year kind of hit home. That and the whole extremely limited budget. Figured if I had no money, I may as well eat healthy. Lettuce - $1.28 for a head that will last 4 days. 44 cents per avocado - one a day (yes a bit high in fat, but it is great for the HDL - good - cholesterol), Grape tomatoes - $3.48 but will last 4 days or so; Bell peppers - 88 cents each (I think), but will last 3 or 4 days; mushrooms - $3.00 package, lasts 3 or 4 days; kidney(red) beans - $1 a can lasts 3 or 4 days (rinse and use container). Sprinkle some Parmesan cheese on the salad and you're good to go. Oatmeal... $3.75 for a big Quaker box of just oats - 30 half-cup servings - add some dates, or fruit, a little (teaspoon) brown sugar, some cinnamon. YUM.

I'm learning SO much. Google and doctor sites are my best friends. :)

Y'know, it's not even that I want to be in the top 10 on the Nuvita home page of cardio... But I DO want something attainable. I am pretty sure I'm on the right track, and just because my "Assessment" shows I can hit something higher doesn't make it so. I realize, too, that she probably didn't have the derogatory tone to her voice when she emailed back "is it too hard?" but it did kind of hurt, when I can tell I'm doing so much better than I have in a long, long time.

I weighed 182-186 in 2002/2003, and I'm working very hard to get below that now. I WILL do it. MY ultimate goal is to lose 25 more pounds by Christmas. That would put me at 165 or so. 16 weeks divided by 25 pounds is approximately 1.5 pounds per week. I can do it, I can do it, I can do eeeet!! :)

Ok, I feel better, and am off to eat my oatmeal with dates. No sugar added.

Health rant.

It's been 2 1/2 months since I last posted. Not much has changed. Although, I find I'm increasingly spastic over my heart. I think I need an intervention. I KNOW my heart is all right. My internist/cardiologist, Dr. P, would be more concerned if it wasn't, right? I'm not so sure about that. I'm losing faith in doctors. My gyn had me get a urinary test done last November or so saying my insurance would cover all but the co-pay. Plus, wanted me to get a lift thingie under my urethra to stop the "sneeze'n'pee" that happens. Wrong. I'm in the process of paying him $700+. I'm down to $400+, but am seriously thinking of not going back to him. (Weirdly enough, now that I've lost 23-24 pounds, that doesn't happen much any more.) Honestly? Why should I? I've had a hysterectomy, and my internist can do the pelvic and monitor the hormonal needs (read: make sure I can still take my tiny white pill every day).

I guess I'm concerned that Dr. P hasn't suggested a stress test, doesn't mention the mitral valve prolapse, or mention the 'need' for a colonoscopy. NOT that I could afford any of these things, even after insurance. Yet I worry about all of this stuff. We had a Nuvita Assessment at work. A new health wellness program. I was the 2nd person the guy, Jess, talked to the first day (June 7), and I think I scared him. He told me my "age" was 54, I'll be 52 in 3 weeks. I said "but my Wii Fit Plus says I'm 26." He gave me a funny look.